The Top Gear Holy Grail War Special
by Vingilot the Sky Ship
Summary: The Top Gear presenters take on an unusual set of challenges; trying to find out what Servant is best for a Holy Grail War. Crack randomness and ceaseless bickering ensue.


**AN:** This idea popped up in my head and burned until I made it real. So without further ado, I give you…

 **Top Gear: The Holy Grail War Special.**

 _"Tonight! James goes shopping, Richard waves his arms, and I run away."_

"Hello! Hello and welcome!" The applause slowly died. "Thank you. Now we are usually, as you might know, a car show. You know, we review them, we compare them, we provide useful information for the consumer." There was some quick laughter while Jeremey made a face towards the camera. "But now we've been getting letters about broadening our focus into a different field where consumers are in dire need of advice, choosing a Servant for a Grail War. And since there's been such interest, how many letters have we gotten James? Dozens, right?"

"Or two." James drily commented, producing another swell of laughter.

"Right, or two. Anyway, the producers thought this was a great idea, probably because they hate us, and decided we would each select a Servant and report to our test track at ten thirty sharp where we would be issued some challenges."

* * *

At precisely ten thirty-seven, Jeremey was the first to arrive.

"When you're taking part in a Holy Grail War, you want a Servant that will actually win you the grail. One with great combat skills, good parameters, and a powerful Noble Phantasm. So I have made the only sensible choice and summoned a Saber class Servant." Jeremey glanced back at the petite, blonde, fifteen year old girl wearing an elaborate suit of medieval armor. "Now, obviously, this wasn't quite what I was expecting but she does still have all that I talked about earlier, making her the best choice for any master."

 _"Unfortunately, my colleague didn't see it that way."_

"Clarkson. I didn't know it was bring your daughter to work day." James May was the second to arrive, being followed by a man in red and black clothes and white hair.

"Funny. Who's that?" Jeremey went for the obvious deflection.

James gestured to his Servant. "Clarkson, Archer. Archer, Clarkson."

"You picked an Archer?"

"Because it is the obvious choice. Archers are good in every situation, not just straight up fights like Sabers or Lancers and can hold their own unlike Caster and Assassin. They have a wide breadth of skills-"

"James one of those skills is Independent Action, meaning he's just going to turn on you for a better master the first chance he gets."

"No he wouldn't." James glanced back at his Servant. "Would you?"

"Of course not master." The man in red coolly replied. James turned back to Jeremey and smiled as if that was that, prompting Jeremey to rest his head on his hand.

"Anyway, I'm surprised you didn't just go with a Berserker. I'd have thought you and the class that sacrifices everything for a little extra power would be a perfect fit."

"James, power is only useful if you can direct it, not spend twenty minutes having to give instructions just so they know who to fight."

"So instead you picked the only other class that is only good at fighting."

"The whole point of having a servant in the first place is to win battles to win the war. How do you suppose you'll do that without fighting?"

"Well obviously you have to do some fighting or else I'd have just chosen an Assassin. But at the same time…"

As their respective masters argued, Saber and Archer exchanged a glance. Despite being entirely wordless, it still conveyed a great deal of information. Chief among that information was 'We are two of the greatest heroes on humanity; we really shouldn't have to put up with this.'

Thankfully, Jeremey and James's argument was interrupted by the arrival of one Richard Hammond and his Servant, who resembled Jeremey's Saber. In that they were completely identical aside from their clothing, which displayed Hammond's Servant's… assets far more prominently.

"Ha-ha!" Richard exclaimed excitedly. "What do you think?"

"I think you picked a version of my Servant that makes it a good thing we're past the watershed." Jeremey replied.

"Hammond, what is that?" James asked.

"I'm glad you asked. This is Saber, although I suppose since you also have a Saber we could call her Red Saber and yours Blue."

"Hammond, we can't have two Sabers." Jeremey tried to reason.

"And why not?"

"Because it's against the rules, there's only of each class."

"Actually he's right." James cut in. "And since he summoned his first, you'd need a different class of Servant."

"So what, I have to send her back and get a new one?"

"Yes." Jeremey and James said together. Hammond left grumbling, trailed by a thoroughly disappointed Red Saber. While they waited, Archer stood with his hands folded, eyes shut, and head angled down. He looked for all the world like a man who had managed to fall asleep standing up. Saber had wandered a ways from the group and was staring off into the distance with a melancholy expression. Clarkson and May were engaged in a bit of small talk.

"What do you think he'll come back with?" Clarkson was asking.

"Well the smart thing to do would be to pick a solid Lancer and round out the three knight classes."

"Hmm. Solid one on one skills, Lancers."

"Yes. And decent stats in most cases too."

"Right. So what do you think he's really going to do?"

"He'll probably get all fascinated with a Caster's sparkly magic and grab one of them."

Jeremey craned his neck to see. "Well, he hasn't picked a Caster."

James turned around to see. "Oh God."

This time, following Richard Hammond across the tarmac was a man with jet black skin and a skull mask.

"You did not pick an Assassin." James said in disbelief.

"I did. Solid class, great utility."

"Unless you need to do any fighting during the _war_." Jeremey reminded him.

Hammond shook his head. "No, this guy's a scrapper. Just look-" But when he turned around there was no one there.

"Ah, that'd be the Presence Concealment skill." James commented. "Good to know that's working."

"Hammond, are you telling me you can't even be sure of where your Servant is?"

"No. I'm sure he's just right here." Richard walked over to where Assassin had been standing and extended a hand as if to grasp him. When that failed he began to reach out in all directions, waving his arms about in an attempt to grab his Servant at random.

" _We could have watched Hammond imitate a windmill for hours but thankfully a challenge arrived."_

As the lab coated producer withdrew after handing over the gold envelope, Jeremey began to read the letter within. "You have all selected your Servants. Some of you have chosen wisely and some have not." He took a moment to look smug at his colleagues. "A Grail War is more than just simple combat. The best Servants will be useful in many different ways." Now it was James's turn to look smug. "Therefore, you will each go into town with your Servant and with their help buy groceries and prepare yourselves lunch."

"What?" Hammond asked. "We have to go shopping?"

"This is a stupid test." Jeremey agreed.

"Now hang on chaps. In an actual War you would need to make supply runs to a store and prepare meals. This is a test of your Servant's reliability, really." James gestured towards the road. "Anyway, no time like the present."

Hammond surveyed the seemingly empty field. "Uh yeah, could I get a minute, really quick?"

* * *

" _Our trip to the store was uneventful, once you tuned out Jeremey's complaining, and we set to work acquiring our ingredients."_

"Master, if you are going to want some seasoning on your fish, I recommend you skip the salt and go for this brand of seasoning. If we add in some basil and rosemary, it will bring out the fish's natural flavor better."

James had been skeptical when Archer had suggested they do a fish fry with rice, but the Servant certainly knew what he was talking about. So far Archer had made a number of suggestions and generally made it clear he was far better at cooking than James was.

Hammond, on the other hand, was wandering the store alone and occasionally getting stares from the other patrons as he talked to himself.

" _Still, could be worse."_

"Master, we should get this as well." Saber gave Jeremey a look that somehow managed to be haughty and beseeching at the same time. Jeremey took the package of cookies from her, eyed his mostly full cart, and glanced back at the completely full one behind him. With a sigh, he placed it in the cart.

" _After we had made our purchases, we split to prepare and eat our respective lunches."_

"Richard. How goes it?"

Hammond looked up from his meal to see a satisfied and full looking James May, tailed by his red and black shadow. "It's good. Great really."

"Hmm. It appears to be a sandwich and a bag of crisps."

Hammond glanced down at his plate, which did indeed contain the remains of a ham sandwich and some crisps. "Yeah… What did you have?"

James was smirking and Hammond would have sworn Archer was too. "I had a healthy and delicious meal of fried fish and steamed rice and vegetables."

"So… better than this?"

"Quite. Shall we see how Clarkson is getting on?"

" _It turned out, not well at all."_

Hammond gaped at the piles of empty plates. They covered the table and some had been shifted to the floor to make space. In the one clear corner, Saber was still happily munching away. Jeremey was watching with the expression of a man who has simply run out of the capacity to care.

"How much of this did you eat?" Hammond asked.

"None."

"Jeremey, how much did all of this cost?" James inquired _almost_ innocently.

"About two hundred pounds."

"Two hundred?" Hammond poorly masked his laughter. "So you're saying that every meal during a Grail War would cost you _two hundred pounds_?"

"Clarkson, you'd best hope the Grail War doesn't last longer than a week or so or you'll have to use your wish just to get all your money back."

"Funny. Real funny. Can we just start the next challenge already?"

As if on cue, a golden envelope arrived. Jeremey eagerly opened it up. "A Servant's main asset is their Noble Phantasm. To test to see which of yours is stronger in that regard, you will report to the park next to the Nower Woods nature reserve and display your Servant's full power."

Richard was suddenly not so amused, while Jeremey was in a much better mood.

* * *

" _When we had arrived, Richard had finally gotten his Servant to turn up again. More than once, in fact."_

"So Richard."

"Yes?"

"Does this actually make Assassin any stronger?" Jeremey asked, observing the sea of black skinned, skull masked Assassins surrounding them on all sides.

"Well, strictly speaking Assassin's stats are distributed amongst all his bodies so…no."

"Really, it seems as though what this does is make Assassin weaker _and_ a bigger target." James commented.

"Well alright then why don't you have a go if you think you can do better?" Richard retorted as the Assassins slowly melded back into one body.

"Very well." James turned to Archer. "Do your thing!"

"Do your thing?" Richard asked incredulously.

"I don't actually know what his Noble Phantasm is; he's been rather cagey about it." James admitted. Any further comments were cut off by Archer's chanting.

"I am the bone of my sword  
Steel is my body and fire is my blood  
I have created over a thousand blades  
Unknown to Death, Nor known to Life  
Have withstood pain to create many weapons  
Yet, those hands will never hold anything  
So as I pray, Unlimited Blade Works."

A circle of fire bloomed under Archer's feet and swept over all of them. When their vision returned, they found themselves standing in a dusty plain littered with swords and massive gears now suspended in the sky.

"There, you see? A Reality Marble. That's an impressive piece of magic."

"Hmm." Jeremey pondered for a moment. "Hammond, what class was James' Servant?"

"That would be Archer."

"And what kind of Noble Phantasm do you think an Archer would have?"

"Probably a bow or arrow of some sort."

"Oh I see where this is going." James interjected. "You're going to make a crack about how my Archer is rubbish."

"James, your Archer _isn't an archer_." Jeremey replied.

"Fine then, you are the last one to go. Show us then how it's done."

The bounded field faded away and they were returned to outside the nature reserve. The producers had set up a small, wooden target between them and the woods. Jeremey pointed Saber at it. "Alright Saber, blow it to pieces."

Saber looked reluctant. "Master, are you sure this is wise?"

"Yes it's fine go on show these idiots what the most powerful class can do."

Saber sighed. "Very well." She raised her sword above her head and it burst into golden light. As it surged she brought it down and screamed "EXCALIBUR!"

The three presenters observed the damage pensively. Saber's attack had obliterated the target and a large chunk of the forest behind it. The forest that was on protected land.

"Run away?" Richard suggested, only to turn around and see Jeremey already legging it.

* * *

" _After we had made our escape back to the Top Gear Test Track, we received our final challenge."_

"You have tested your Servants on how they will perform in a Grail War. However, this is still a motoring show and that means the real test will be how they can drive. They will each make a lap around the track, competing against a test time."

Richard and James frowned at the smile on Jeremey's face. "What now?"

Jeremey glanced at his Servant. "B rank Riding."

James and Richard grimaced. James looked up confused. "Hang on, we need to set a test time first."

"Right, and to do that we'll need to turn to our tame racing driver. Some say, he can perform Sorcery but only while sleepwalking. All we know is, he's called the Stig!"

The Stig burned out a lap that even the presenters would have been hard pressed to beat. Jeremey, vastly confident, insisted that his Saber go first. True to form, she drove nearly as well as the Stig, maybe a little better in some places, and finished a mere two seconds behind him. A quick rock-paper-scissors game meant James had to go next. Archer gave it a solid effort, but he was only an average driver at best. And then it was Richard's turn.

"Well, I think I've got this one in the bag." Jeremey boasted.

"Hang on, I haven't even gone yet."

"Yes, but your Assassin is rubbish so it doesn't matter."

"Rubbish, huh? Assassin, why don't you use your Noble Phantasm again?"

Assassin spilt off into another body. James and Jeremey couldn't help but notice this one just so happened to be wearing a black racing suit, complete with a skull patterned black helmet.

"Did you know," Richard began conversationally. "That each of Assassin's bodies has a distinct skill set. Like languages or stalking or, let's just say, driving."

Assassin got behind the wheel and produced art. None of them had ever seen someone drive like that before. He matched the Stig turn for turn and completed the lap two seconds faster than he did. Hammond beamed at his stunned colleagues. "Well then, back to the studio."

* * *

Back at the studio, the presenters waited for the applause to die down while the three Servants stood in a line.

"I still think you cheated. You didn't have your entire Servant in the car." Jeremey was complaining.

"Oh you're just whining because I beat you fair and square. Anyway, let's tally up the points." Hammond gestured to the scoreboard. James stepped forward with a marker.

"Okay, for the lunch challenge I had the best meal so I get ten, Richard you were next so you get five-"

"And I get naught." Jeremey finished.

James held up a hand to stop him. "Actually, since you didn't have anything to eat _and_ it cost you two hundred quid, the producers say you lose five points." He scribbled a quick "-5" in Jeremey's box.

"You know what? I don't care, since I know I won the next one."

"How could you think that?" Richard asked. "You blew up a protected forest."

"All that proves is that Saber's power exceeded all of our expectations."

James headed off the argument. "Well, according to the producers, Saber's Noble Phantasm was the most impressive."

"Ha!"

"-But you lose five points for the damage to the nature preserve." James finished as he wrote down a five. "And since mine was the next best, I get five while Hammond gets naught."

"Well I won the last one, you can't deny that." Richard pulled out his own marker and wrote a ten in his box. "And Jeremey was second and you came last." He gave Jeremey a five and James a zero. "So in total Jeremey has five, James you and I both have fifteen. So we draw."

"Not quite." James was looking smug. "You see, because you came with a Saber after Jeremey already had one, so the producers say you lose one point for that. Which means…"

Richard sighed. "You win."

James did a little jig while holding his hand in the shape of an "L" on his forehead. Jeremey raised a questioning finger. "Hang on, your Archer is not an archer in any way."

"Well that doesn't mean anything, he's still the best."

"Yes, but the whole point was to see what class was best and your Servant had nothing to do with his class. Which means the best way to choose a Servant is to ignore their class and just choose one at random.

And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you for watching, see you next week, goodnight!"

* * *

 **AN:** So there you have, cracky goodness. I had fun writing it, I hope you had fun reading it. Leave a review letting me know what you think.


End file.
